GIMME FREE STUFFS (Or: Brother, My Cup Is Empty)

In the not-so-distant past, I talked a bit about my Alternate Life (or: the life that is not being THEE DIM LOCATOR, which totally pays the bills). It can be a drag a lot of the time. But sometimes, if the stars are aligned just right and everything else is going crappy in my day and I curse the usually-not-aligned stars as if they can go back to some cosmic muck and fuck themselves, I’ll get an email out of the blue – that very same cosmic muck, maybe, if I squint my eyes and imagine it in a slightly more positive light, hence The Blue – that well and truly brings a smile to my face. A ray of sunshine. Unicorns. Once-hungry villagers being fed. All that shit.

The topic: FREE STUFFS.

Nearly everyone likes free stuff (or “stuffs,” if you’re South American or from the shittier parts of Europe). But coming from the developed, Western(ized) world, you generally don’t ask for Free Stuffs…or do you? Maybe I’ve been among the civilized city folk for far too long; maybe my primal instincts have been dulled by clothing and running water and fortified buildings and my village owning more than two donkeys. Either way, I never got that memo. Neither did any of the people whose emails – really, real emails verbatim – are the subject of this post.

I could post denigrating photos of what I think these people look like, but that’d be in pretty poor taste. Besides, here at THEE DIM LOCATOR, it’s content that matters most – not pretty (poor) pictures.

Ahem. Let’s begin. This one’s pretty self-explanatory, but dude’s address withheld:

Dear Sirs,

Greeting from China!

My name is WangBing, and I am a rock fan. Or, to be more precisely, I've been crazy about your songs since I was a teenager. You are the very band who first “rocks" my life. And with your music as my start point, I got to know more and more about the rock world of the West. From then on , I began to collect rock CDs. I've collected thousands of albums of various Rock bands. I regard them as my most treasonable possessions in my life. I've got several albums of yours, they are terrific! Personally, I like BESEECH, they are excellent works! And I always believe that you are the best! I made my homepage with "Rock" as the theme. I have many friends here in China who are also believe in Rocks, and I hope more and more people in China would join us! Rock is everything, everywhere! I beg you to do me a favor: would you please offer me with some of your posts, CDs, or T-shirts, etc. And most of all, your treasureable signatures!

And more Asian persuasion:

im john from philipines 20 years of age, i always wanted to to take a grab about HEAVY METAL MUSIC you know im your magazines and internet subscriber since i grow in the world of music,and i really admired the mag. i love it so much, i played in the band, and i like the articles, the pics in the mag adn all of the stuff out there, that is why im here in your front, and asking for a free stuff like stickers or some free promotional cds, i know you can hook me up, and given me a chance to have, i love the stuff so mcuh, and i cant live with out...im very very proud if you given me a chance to have, i love free so much, i hope you can hook me up..free cds,stickers or posters or > anything that comes heavy metal songs...i hope you you can send anything...

i thank and pray for you response and immediate action..thanks and god bless..i send my send my address later..

This one’s pretty generic if you’re dealing with mongoloid scum from South America, and I know my band friends will back me up on this:

THIS IS MY INTERVIEW , PLEASE ANSWER AND GIVE ME OK , EHH DONT FORGET YOUR TOMBS OF FLYERS, BIOS, LOGO, NEWS PHOTOS ORIGINAL TO PRINT IN MY BOOKLET OF THE CD AND IN THE ISSUE, AND 2 CDS ORIGINAL TO PUT  YOUR STUFF IN MY CD COMP AND IN MY ISSUE, DONT FORGET POSTERS, STICKERS, PINS, BUTTONS OR PARCHES POSTER TO PROMOTIONAL.

1 TSHIRT TO TRADE WITH MY OCCULTISM TSHIRT ...........OK SATAN 666!!!!!

Oh, and the subject line for that email was “ARE YOU COOPERATE ?” At least it was a bit more specific than this one, which was addressed to no one in particular, as are most of these (and address again withheld):

Is it possible to send me a guitar pick and signed autographed cards . I will be very happy.

Many thanks

Then again, I just have to post this dude’s full address, because it seems like spam, but this one email account never gets spam, and it was addressed directly to me:

Please, Send Me 500$.

Thank You.

Sergey Nikolaevich Demin. (Name)

Himikov 14 - 141   (Street)

Kingisepp          (Town)

Leningradskaya     (Region)

188480             (Index)

Russian Federation (Country)

Okay, that’s reaching a bit. But this one just baffles the mind, and is printed in its entirety:

Hello

There is this gentlemen I have been in contact with who is claimed to have openings or contacts with your label. He had told me you liked my bands music and you wanted to hear more. The situation I find myself in is our material is still in production. We are nearly done mixing, about 80% done and then we will be ready to go. I was going to hold off contacting your label, as we have been given offers but you were our top choice. Anyways in an effort to make this happen per this gentlemen instructions we are rushing our producer to get the album done. It turns out, no one knows who this guy is and I cant seem to find information about him on line. I was just wondering if you actually know him, or has he in fact contacted you.

Bill Rogers is his name. I just want to make sure I am not being scammed and what he says is true. If so, I apreciate you liking my band and we will get to you more music asap.

They get crafty, don’t they? (read: first correspondence EVER with anyone at the label, and completely unsolicited) Then again, sometimes you’ll get contacted by that bar-band hopeful who doesn’t seem to get the net that he’s contacting an international company who can have their pick of just about any metal band around the world. Look and learn, by mistake:

Greetings,

My name is Frank ALcaraz. I'm sure you are inundated with demos to listen to so I appreciate your time. I am looking for a your assistance Today. My main goal in life is to be able to play Rock n roll somewhere as many nights as I can per week. I'm not greedy or crave mass attention. I just love playing. My problem is I am having a hell of a time keeping a band together long enough to make anything work. If you like what you hear I am hoping that I could simply tell prospects I am working with a label, so I can attract quality musicians. Then I can get gigs and etc.  Please look at www.myspace.com/axbit for some rough cuts. I look forward to your thoughts.

At least I’m getting the dude some PR here. Oh, and I guess I forgot to predicate that FREE STUFFS can include Free Musicians and especially Free Record Contracts. Still, you might wanna do your homework when contacting a metal label:

Hello,

How are you doing? i am Ayo a Nigerian and a musician that will like my music promoted by your company, i have Demo and i got your link through the search engine, i do sing Country music, R&B. i will like if you can be of help i am available any time you wish to have me, hope to hear from you soon thanks.

A Nigerian country scene?! The mind is blown: CULT. But again, seriously, people need to do their homework when contacting a METAL label, as I certainly don’t find much of this work (or especially music) relaxing:

Hi!

My name Nick!

I am very interested in your group.

I recently heard about your band, listened to several songs, very much, soulful music that you can relax.

You are the best. I just trudge on you.

Please send me more group information, a nominal autograph, logo and souvenirs pack.

But desperation drives even the best of us, including one “Michelle Deathcore”:

Hey I am a Gutural singer! i am female i make growlings since i have 13 years old! y need to know! What can i make??

Please i need an answer or something that could help me :S

But throughout all this, I’m thankful that I get to broaden my horizons and really learn a lot about folks from foreign countries, including that there’s now a “third” gender:

Greetings!

First of all, I'm not an native English speaker, so I'm sorry for all the mistakes on this short message.

My name is Esteban, I'm from Costa Rica, and I'm looking to become a Metal Singer, I've been taking Lyric Singing and Violin Classes for a couple of years, and I like composing my own songs and write my own lyrics (I do not have a band yet, mostly because in my country this gender is not really known, but I do everything by my own in my computer at home, I have good ideas), I'm thinking about a Solo Carrier, or maybe create a Band, whatever happens first. I was wondering if you'll be interested in hearing some of them, I'll be glad to know if you're interested or not!

Thanks!

And villagers! Tough ones, too! From an emissary of Down For Life (Indonesia):

Just want to help them spread their good music, far far away from Solo, Indonesia, there's one band that play metal heavily, comes from Solo, small city, yes, they're the villagers. Named 'Down For Life' established from '2000', A five pieces monstrous metal militia. Thunderous thrash troopers. Tough guys villagers. Six strings sabbath-esque shredder. Tougher than leather, Louder than Lucifer, Harder than Life. Down For Life, Heavy as fuck.

Okay. Whoa. I’m getting exhausted just reading this all back. Make sense of it, or make party. Gimme free party. Gimme that memo. Gimme now.